If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
