someone threw a dead crab at me
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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