You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
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