You can't special order awesome
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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