Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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