omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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