'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
