I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
