I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Randomize
