Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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