Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
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