I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
