Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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