Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
