Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
