Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
