It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
