i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
