I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
