Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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