Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
