I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
our cab driver is having phone sex.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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