I wish I only lived at night.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
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