a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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