Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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