i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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