I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
