wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
