I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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