Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
