First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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