Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
