Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Randomize
