I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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