ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
