I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
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I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
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Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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