we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
