I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
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