no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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