Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
