I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
