I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
