I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
