Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
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