She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
