Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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