12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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