Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Mom said you looked used
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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