The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
