Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
