my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
