I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
