i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
