The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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