hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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